CRANIUM.SOLUTIONS | the ultimate hair loss stimulator

PAID ADVERTISEMENT ⋆ NOT PAID ⋆ NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT

Tired of waiting for hair to grow? Skip the waiting. Skip the hair.

HAIR SIMULATOR renders a full, luxurious head of hair in real time, on a computer you will never see, for a scalp that will never know.

RENDERING FOLLICLES ... 99% (since 2009)

Simulated hair is not hair. Results not typical. Results not real. Do not attempt to comb the simulation.

AS SEEN
ON NO
CHANNEL

Are you losing the war on top?

Your last line of defense against the baldness and mind control experiments.

ONLY 3 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.99

or one hard payment of ~~$59.97~~ $59.97

BUT WAIT! Order in the next 10 minutes and Bob throws in a second hat for your other head.

"Since I started wearing the hat, I haven't lost a single hair. I didn't have any to start with, but still."
— Farmer Bob, Glen Rose, TX

Hat does not regrow hair. Hat does not block mind control. Hat is a hat. Keep away from microwaves, lightning and chickens with ambitions.

It's dirt. From Bob's back forty. If it can grow corn, it can grow anything.

Apply nightly. Water daily. Stand in the sun. Keep away from chickens, who will peck your head looking for seeds.

$12 a jar. Worms included at no extra charge. (Neil is not for sale.)

Do not eat the tonic. Do not plant the tonic. Do not tell Neil where the tonic came from.

You spent eleven minutes on that comb-over. Protect your investment.

Full coverage against wind, convertibles, ceiling fans, roller coasters, helicopters and that one cousin who always goes for the head rub.

Premiums start at one hair a month. Claims paid in hair, when hair becomes available.

Policy void in Chicago, Wyoming and any weather. Act of God includes sneezing.